Observing Chaos

My life has been a series of random happenings. Most of the time I’ve been an observer, just watching events and never involving myself in trying to control or at least influence outcome.

Now I want to take charge of my life. That concept is daunting for a person who has up to now never dreamed of such a thing, nor ever been a planner. At 65 years of age, I am experiencing the results of a life left to occur on its own, and it is staggeringly unfulfilling and purposeless.

The funny thing is the thing I’m not daunted by at all is age. I’ve always believed that it’s possible to learn from my mistakes. I haven’t always done that, but it is not too late as long as I’m not taking the dirt nap.

I’ve had countless soul sucking jobs in my years, and the current one is more of the same. So what does that tell me?

It tells me that instead of making an effort to find my authentic self and the work that self needs, I have just left one job after another for the same job after another.

It also says that in a search for happiness and contentment I have amassed a vast collection of movies, music and books. To keep growing that collection takes money of course, and that requires a job.

It does not require much self evaluation, at least that’s what I thought. I was too busy having fun and being entertained without seeing that the very things I relied on for escape were part of the cage in which I was imprisoned. Imagine that, I was my own hostage.

As this part of my journey is just beginning, I will have more to say as the weeks pass. I encourage you to stay tuned.

Don’t worry, the funny will still make appearances now and then. For now, at long last I’m going to take something seriously.